On Grieving

I have been thinking, witnessing, experiencing, and learning about grief recently. As a therapist, the theme of grief isn’t new, it’s something I think every client who seeks out therapy feels to some extent. However, in this season of life, the grief is almost palpable. Many of us thought 2021 was going to be different; that it would bring new hope and a return to normalcy. What we have learned is that our sense of normalcy has shifted and that the hope we have craved feels just within reach but not close enough.

In many cases, what I find myself continuing to return to as I sit with my own experience and those of clients is that we are just now able to grieve the immense loss(es) we experienced last year. Some of this is because of how our brains work with trauma; when we are in survival mode, our brains protect us by not allowing the experience of feelings to be felt in real time. This keeps us safe. If we were to have felt the weight of grief from last year, I am not sure we would have made it to 2021. Now that we have, our brains are communicating to our body that it is safer to feel, to be present. Because our bodies have held in so much pain in order to keep us moving forward, the ability to actually experience ourselves fully, in real time, now means that the grief is like a deluge.

Instead of drowning from the deluge, it is important to identify and hold onto the life rings that keep us afloat. And, maybe for some of us, this last year has caused those life saving rings to look different, causing an even greater sense of confusion on how to care for ourselves in the grief. What we do know and can clearly recognize is that we are all stronger, more resilient, and more courageous than we could have imagined. We have witnessed and been a part of a PANDEMIC. That is real and ongoing and no small feat. The opportunity that the pandemic has provided is the awareness of susceptibility, both in our physical health and mental health. And, maybe, it is a wake up call we all needed to some extent…to understand where we are in need of more support and more boundary creation.

I can’t speak to your own grief experience, and imagine it is greater and more complex than I could imagine, but what I do know is that you are not alone. This last year has been a collective experience of surviving and grieving. It has joined our stories in a way that weaves together a quilt of pain that is made of fibers that are STRONG and durable. Our grief provides reflection that can motivate us toward growth. My charge to all of us is to see our grief with new eyes, eyes of hope and growth in a different direction, understanding that change provides a new way to experience ourselves in the world.